Insatiable me

I was 24, married with 3 year old and one year old boys, before I applied for college.  What propelled my decision, at that particular time, you may ask?  And my honest answer would be, boredom.  I wasn't bored being a parent.  I wasn't bored staying home and playing during the day, and working part time at night.  I was bored with myself.  I felt the need to push myself to learn and grow, to be challenged.  After parenting for 3 years, I figured I had that down.  Time to try something new.  This is a pattern that continues to be played out in my life.  I get restless.

After receiving acceptance into an undergraduate program, I also found out I was pregnant with my third child.  Surprise!  Once the shock dissipated, I decided that even being pregnant wouldn't stop me from my new adventure.  I was 8 months pregnant in my first summer class. Yes, it was awkward.  I took 4 classes in the fall, when my daughter was 5 weeks old.  My husband worked some sort of alternative schedule, which after all these years my fried mind fails to fully remember.  Anyhow, we made it work; for a year anyway.  Being a full time student and having 3 young children was incredibly overwhelming.  I was no longer bored, but I needed a change nonetheless.

I took a break from school for a couple of years, then went back for another year.  Got a full time job, mastered it, got bored, saw I had no future without a degree, went back to school again... This time however, I was determined to graduate.  I was getting old!  After the fastest 2 years of my life, I finally graduated.  But here I am again, less than a year of graduating, I feel the need for another transition.  I'm working 50 hours a week in retail sales (isn't this what I went to school to avoid?).  I continue to learn and be challenged regularly, yet it's not enough.  I know it will inevitably become routine, and easy, and boring.  My restless nature haunts me.  Content, I am not.

Where do I belong?

Picking a political party is not necessarily an easy process.  When I was a teenager I remember having these intense conversations over Sunday dinner with my father, my grandfather, and my uncle.  My uncle was the lone conservative at the table, and there were always loud, passionate arguments from both sides. Inevitably I would be the one crying at the dinner table.  I longed for peaceful discussion where everyone was heard, and no one felt offended.  This was not meant to be, at least not in my experience.  The heated discussion would stop once I started crying.  My grandfather would smile and tell me everything was fine, and my uncle would make fun of me.  Clearly this conflict and resulting tension influence my inability to side with one party over another.  The division and insistence that each side was right, influenced my reluctance to pick “a side”. 

For 18 years I was a registered Independent, and only after my husband ran for political office in 2010, did I consider becoming affiliated.  There is something sort of beautiful to me about being in a group of similarly minded individuals.  Having support and a sense of community is very appealing to me.  My husband is a Republican who grew up in a family of conservatives.  His beliefs are a major part of who he is.  They are guiding principles that help define the man, husband and father he is, and I have great respect for his position.  I wish I felt so sure of anything.  I am a woman who experiences life in shades of gray, always looking for common ground between people and their concerns or issues. 

I have been struggling to find a place for myself within either of the two political parties.  I believe in being respectful of people’s varied beliefs.  I believe in compassion and tolerance.  I believe in life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I believe in personal responsibility.  It is painful to watch two parties fighting against one another instead of working together.  There is this expectation that they must not agree.  If one party concedes a point, the other party declares victory.  We need to change this mentality, because we’re all losing.  Neither party is all good or bad. The sooner this is recognized and accepted, the easier it will be to make a collaborative change in this divided country.  Mediation is in order, and I’m their girl.